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Often times i walk alone, scared to show my face. Anxieties control my thoughts, am I a hopeless case? All my sins and sorrows I fear to give to you, i seem to always burden, which I don't want to do. But your word says my thought is wrong, you love to hear me speak. And even if I think so, my prayers are never weak. My favorite is the sunshine, it reminds me of your love, each and every ray shines brightly, as peaceful as a dove. It lights the world completely, and everyone does see, your grace and loving mercy burning strong as it could be. It wakes us up each morning and tucks us in each night, a reminder of a brand new day to save us from the fight. In harmony we worship you in hopes to one day attain our goal of pleasing you you, our God, under your holy reign. And so i lift this up to you as my everlasting prayer. Please love me lord for who I am, through every complex layer.

Indecisive

My mind is full of questions, attempting to make decisions that make my heart beat a thousand times a second. Choices that make my blood boil and my skin crawl. And the cravings are unbearable, searching for the pop, the slice, the burn, anything to make this pain go away. No matter what i choose, someone is disappointed. If i resist the temptation, the hurt screams inside of me and makes my body ache, but everyone else is happy. If i give into the sin, the precious numbness takes over and my body rejoices with relief, but everyone else is saddened by my actions. Torn between two opposite paths, my head races toward familiarity, but my heart tiptoes toward the direction of the unknown, the road those who love me are pointing down. At this point, I'm not sure which part of me is stronger. What i do know is that i want safety, love, and protection. I'm just not convinced that what I'm presently choosing is not exactly those three elements. A constant tug of war between good and evil has me exhausted and confused.

I cry and wait alone

I cry and wait alone upon the guilt of my shame, and upon my hurt and hatred; 
I speak silent obsessive prayers from within me, at war with myself, ashamed of my horrid sins; 
I see, in distant time, the girl controlled by her addiction, crying, alone, consumed, confused; 
I see that girl taken by her pride – I see the powerful demon of giving in; 
I hide the truth of torture and abandoned love, longing to be seen – I live this life full of fear; 
I hear the bells of victory, success, celebration – I have covered eyes and ears; 
I hold a memory of her – I see the children laughing who do not know hurt, enjoying their time of innocence; 
I wander the streets and cities darkened by black plaques of selfishness, pride, and of greed, as is the world; 
All these – All the pain and persistence without gain, I waiting, cry alone, 
Crave, long, and am silent.

Questions

My head is spinning, faster and faster, stirring up so much dust that I cannot see the path before me. 
I want to scream for help, but my lungs are so full of filth that not a single word can escape my broken lips. 
Questions fill my mind... 
Do I hold my breath and take a chance? 
Will someone be there to walk with me through this living hell? 
Will He provide a safe escape that lets me grow positively from my weakness? 
Will this painful torture ever let me go? 
There are people in my life that want to hold my hand, but fear of abandonment keep my binding chains wrapped tight around my heart. 
Will He help me let them in? 
Noises escape my insides that bring fear and concern to the eyes of those who love me, can He take my desire for beauty and redirect it to a safer passion? 
My heart no longer craves attention, punishment, addiction, but my head refuses to let go of the debts. 
Will there ever be an end to these struggles? 
I pray for answers, I wait in fear. 
Impatience, anger, yearning, desire, all consume my precious time. 
Will I ever learn to love myself for who I am, not who I am striving to be?

Pain

I have recently realized just how much pain has been so obsessively controling my life this past year. Whether it's from arguing with my brother orinjuring my foot and being on crutches for what seems like endless weeks. Or the loss of good friends due to death or the purchasing of a new home. Secrets being uncovered by the wrong people and thrown in my face. Hurting for a friend so they don't have to. Being so angry at someone or something that it burns inside of you, creating an endless whole within the heart. Protecting everyone around you, but damaging yourself in the process, often alot harder than you are able to handle. Being extremely argumentative and defensive even if you know you are wrong. The open wounds inside of you bleeding endlessly and fighting like hell to pretend it's all ok. Holding the weight of the world on your shoulders so everyone else can go through life pain free while you are crushed beneath the pressure. Crying yourself to sleep everynight for monthes because the hurt inside of you is so overbearing, but too much for anyone else to understand, including yourself. Spending money on things you dont want or need, but pretend to so you can hide your innerself because you are terrified of rejection. Pushing yourself so far that everything inside of you is SCREAMING to let go, but you know that if the world saw the real you, they would drop you on your head like a match with a monsterously uncontrolable flame that burns the skin. Drinking and feeling ashamed, but still better then before that bottle of beer. And it burns as the whiskey slides down the throat and enters the pit of my stomach, but somehow, it manages to cover up the hurt inside so everyone else sees a silly happy girl who is really lying to the surrounding faces because she can't face the truth or have anyone else discover how much pain she is really in. Why does pain make people so stupid?